What sound does a mastodon make?

So my mom gets off the phone with my great grandmother, the most Northern person ever, and this conversation between my mom and stepdad ensues:

"Merry Christmas!" - Greg. I'm guessing getting off the phone was the present.
"Motherfucker." - My mother
"That's not a holiday."
"All she says is that same stupid saying, 'All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.' Well here's something for ya, no one gives a fuck about Jack! I'm not dull!"
"It's not a goodbye either..." - Greg, still on the topic of the word "motherfucker"
"Well I really think it could be in our family. It's more like aloha though, where it can work both ways as hello and goodbye! [stands up] 'Hey, motherfucker!' 'What man, I just got here! Don't leave yet!' 'No, motherfucker!' [waves] 'Oh, motherfucker!!!'"

And then after I get done laughing on the floor for five minutes, my mom is something like "That was about how much I was freaking out yesterday when we were watching TV." Whatever, the intro wasn't really important to me because I couldn't pay attention at all. Apparently what follows is what happened. I'm retelling this story in order to vouch for the insanity of both of my parents.

So my parents were watching Design on a Dime yesterday and the host or whatever is this Asian lady who was apparently wearing something revealing and Greg said "she didn't look half bad right about then." Then later on in the show, another Asian lady walked in the scene and Greg just stands up and immediately says "Gah-d DANG!" and my mom bursts out laughing. Apparently, he does this somewhat often when they're watching TV, but instead he says "Whoopsie!!" I thought this was absolutely hilarious and about died laughing because my mom kept saying it.

Greg told me, "It was amazing, I was actually shocked by her ugliness." My mom just goes on after he said that about how "damn ugly" she was and they both told me together how she had this "round Asian face" but "all her features were squished up in the middle of it."

And as my mom turns away to put a towel on the fridge, she says: "It was like fuckin' conservation of face."

And then I lost it completely.